Reality is out there the only chance for me to survive is out there
Reality is out there; the only chance for me to survive is out there When I’m outside, that’s when I do my best. I lived my day by thinking, well I’ve got the means to end it If the next day is bad, I’ve got the choice. Although it sounds destructive, in effect it was a survival course.I’m going out into the community to work now, and it’s only on the outside that you really live On the inside, you just exist. You’ve got to try and get a bit of your self-esteem redeemed.It’s only over the last five years or so that I psychologically tried to survive, that I stopped the idea of instant annulment being at hand It’s like that cliche: one day at a time. If you don’t, you’re not going to be any good to yourself or anyone else. You may get moments of contentment at times, but you never have that euphoric feeling that you used to get, that buzz for life, that zest It seems like a distant memory.
The sparkle of life has just gone.Yes, I suppose I am punishing myself I used to do it regularly, all the time. Even simple things like when the sun was shining, and I thought what a nice day it was, I used to think to myself, you’ve got a cheek. There’s other people that should be here that don’t have that magic.You’ve got to come to terms with the havoc that you’ve created, and then you’ve got to try and survive it. It was a complete surprise to everyone, including the doctors, that I actually survived, given the amount of damage I did to myself.When you’ve taken a life, I don’t think you ever have happiness again. It’s a very traumatic thing to have taken a life, and I wanted to hide. That could be construed as cowardly, but the only way I could cope was by cutting myself off.I turned in on myself completely, I tried to protect everyone from me I tried to commit suicide, and it very nearly worked. That means that whatever you’re feeling, the people closest to you are often hit with it.It didn’t take me long to realise I was taking them through my time with me I don’t intend to have any further contact with them.
Families can go through the highs and lows, the emotional rollercoaster of the person inside Prisoners tend to dump. They’ve all done long stretches, and the longest-serving prisoner in Scotland is housed here. They all learnt long ago that you have to learn to do your time – or it ends up doing you.’It’s only on the outside that you really live. On the inside, you just exist’Sandy (not his real name), 46, is serving a life sentence for murder”When I came inside 15 years ago, I cut myself off from my family to protect them.
Lifers don’t get a tariff, so you can do 10 years or more and still have no idea of a possible release date.Some of these men know more about doing time than anyone else in the country. Someone given a mandatory life sentence south of the border also has to be given a tariff – the minimum term he or she is likely to serve The system is different in Scotland. There’s carpet on the floor, and a kitchen and showers they can use any time of day.Despite the extra comfort, some of these Scottish lifers are probably worse off than their English and Welsh counterparts. The atmosphere in Saughton is pretty relaxed compared with some other prisons, but it’s still a place where you don’t do what you want, you do what you’re allowed to.Pentland Hall is on the east side of the jail. It’s the section of the prison that contains lifers who have earned extra privileges.
The basic regime is the same but cells here are more like study bedrooms. These are the rules and you don’t have any choice.This is what prison is like Your life gets taken away and replaced by a routine. You’re back in your cell by 4.45, get dinner at 6.30, association till 9.15, then you get banged up again and someone else turns the light out.It doesn’t matter if you’re halfway through a game of pool or you want to watch the end of something on the box. Someone tells you when to get up and then puts you to work at 8am. You get lunch at 12, get locked in your cell until 1.30 to eat it, then it’s work again from 2.00 to 4.30.
